Danny hooks up with a teenage girl, only to learn that Jim and her mother were high school sweethearts. The teens are repulsed when their parents rekindle their romance. A couple who fell in love while playing Scrabble online meets for the first time as the ship hosts a tournament. The woman's considerable height advantage proves to be a problem. A congressman tries to win back his estranged wife, while Camille goes all out to impress his fitness-loving bodyguard. Will is annoyed when the cruise line assigns him a goofy assistant, Donald Griswald.

Nicole must pose as the captain (and John's wife) to cover up a lie to her visiting grandmother. A pro wrestler's honeymoon is disrupted by the arrival of his tag team partner. Donald constantly pleads with the wrestlers to inflict bodily harm on him. A man desperately searches for a wife. He finds a taker, but fails to disclose the fact that he must marry by his birthday (Thursday) or forfeit a ten-million-dollar inheritance.

As part of the Valentine's cruise, Jim must marry 250 couples--including his ex-wife and her new beau. Pat shares a passionate kiss with Jim and considers calling off her wedding. A woman who has difficulty talking to men tries to connect with a painter through her writing... but he's illiterate. The passengers are issued pagers that beep when they pass someone with a similar interest (relationship, sex or karaoke). A couple in search of sex reluctantly falls for each other. John mistakenly receives a same-sex pager and must dodge a throng of male admirers.

Danny annoys his father by revealing that he wants to photograph nude women for a living. Nicole's niece, whose parents recently divorced, joins her for the cruise. She hasn't spoken for a month, so John lends her his ALF doll to keep her company. A hypnotist places a spell on passengers and crew members that causes them to fulfill their fondest desires. Danny pictures everyone naked, while Will transforms into ""The Terminator."" An insecure passenger sees himself as the most handsome man on the ship and becomes suave and charming. Jim imagines himself as a performer; he constantly quotes Shakespeare, imitates famous stars, and sings. (He also kisses Camille.) The hypnotist prompts ALF to come to life and befriend Emily. She reveals that her refusal to talk stems from her mother's potential cross-country move.